I had been the one to help women that were dealing with miscarriage. I had been the one to offer encouraging words, or give a hug, and listen. I had been the one on the other side until I wasn't. I remember my first miscarriage like it was yesterday. I'm sure many women do. I was already the mother of a six year old and I had found out that I was expecting baby number two!
I was excited, my then husband had just returned from a year long deployment. For any military readers out there, you know how those R&R or deployment babies "pop up". This pregnancy was different though. I was incredibly sick. I couldn't keep anything down. I was so very tired. I remember going to the ER because I just wasn't feeling well at all. That's when I was informed that my little peanut didn't have a heartbeat.
I had a range of feelings. Disbelief, anger, sadness, fear. I remember our friends finding out around the base that I had lost our baby. They began sending condolences. I couldn't receive it well, especially when others around me were getting pregnant and not having any problems. I was told I had a few options, I could wait a bit for the pregnancy to pass on its own, I was only six weeks along. I could take some medication to help speed the process up or I could have a procedure called a D&C to remove everything.
I decided to wait. I wanted it to be as natural as possible. But the wait was taking longer and longer. At a follow up appointment, I was given the option to try the medication, I just didn't want to have surgery at all! I had never been put to sleep and I really didn't want to if I didn't have to. Fortunately, the medication worked for me and I was okay physically, but mentally, I was a wreck. I felt like a failure, what was wrong with me? I had given birth to a child before. Why couldn't I now? It began to take over and consume me.
I became obsessed with getting pregnant again. I had to do this! I knew I could do this. Well I did. I was sick again! Feeling even worse than the last time. I began to have bleeding early on. Can you imagine the fear in my heart and mind! I can't go through this again. We were in the process of moving overseas to Germany at the time so I wouldn't really be able to establish care until we got there. I was concerned about the bleeding.
I had an ultrasound and everything was fine. A nice strong heartbeat. I was told that some bleeding can be normal during pregnancy but to keep an eye on things. We went on to make the eight hour flight overseas. We made it safely and stayed in a hotel until we were able to get housing. Once we did this I had to wait for an appointment off base to handle my prenatal care. One day myself and my daughter were at the hotel while he was away at work. I remember feeling lightheaded and out of nowhere I passed out. I didn't know it at the time, but I had lost this pregnancy too.
I finally made it to my first prenatal appointment. I remember seeing my baby so big on the screen. The head, belly, and legs, I saw the sonographer scan over the chest area. I didn't see any cardiac activity. He looked at me and I knew. I was 15 weeks and I had lost another baby. What was wrong with me? The ride home was so lonely. I sat there and cried. Here I was in a foreign country about to have surgery to remove my baby who was no longer alive.
In that moment, I felt like I would never be able to carry another pregnancy to term. I felt defeated.
Somehow, as many women do, I kept going and I tried again. This pregnancy was a success. I carried her all the way to 40 weeks and 1 day. Even though I was finally "successful" I still felt empty. I somehow thought that once I was finally able to carry to term that it would end the pain of losing two previous pregnancies, but it didn't. It took some time for me understand that I hadn't grieved for my losses. I kept going and kept trying. I hadn't processed anything. So how can you take steps to heal after experiencing a loss like this?
Miscarriages happen in 15 to 20% of pregnancies. The majority of miscarriages happen during the first trimester or the first three months. After the first three months the risk of miscarriage is supposed to decrease but there are still chances of a late miscarriage (after 13 weeks but before 20 weeks) and stillbirth (after 20 weeks). During the weeks after a miscarriage it's normal to deal with a range of emotions.
Feelings
Remember that your feelings are valid. Some people feel that women who miscarry don't have a "real" reason to feel sad about the loss. Some people think that if you've miscarried early on, you didn't have time to really know what it felt like to be pregnant, or that you didn't have time to bond with the baby. But some people are idiots! A loss is a loss no matter how early or late it is. No one knows your story. You could have been trying and trying to conceive, you finally do, and then you experience a loss. That hurts. No matter what others think your feelings are valid. Some women are hit harder than others. Some will recover quicker than others and it could take some years to work through it.
Seeking Support
Sharing your experience with others that have been through the same thing can be a way to gain support and help you better deal with what has happened. I decided to do this. I was quite surprised to find out how many other women had gone through the same thing that I had. I didn't feel so alone. I felt like I actually had a tribe of women that understood. If you find that your feelings are getting in the way of you being able to function daily, consider seeking help from a counselor or therapist. Grief is normal and sometimes we may need a professional to help us.
Don't Blame Yourself
I struggled with this one. I kept feeling like there was something wrong with me. I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. With a miscarriage, it's important to remember that there's nothing you did or didn't do that could have prevented it from happening. A lot of times, it can't be determined why someone has miscarried. Blaming yourself and your body won't make the situation better.
Try Not to Distance Yourself Too Much
I know that when I'm experiencing tough things, I naturally want to be alone or close myself off. That may not be the best idea but it's something that I do to process what has happened. The thing is, try not to stay in that space for too long. Having people that you can lean on, especially during times like this, can be very beneficial. Let friends and family help you if they are willing to and can.
Pay Attention to Yourself Physically
It's important to pay attention to your body. You're experiencing hormonal changes as well as the possibility of bleeding and cramping. Make sure that you're able to eat the nutritious foods that you need and also that you are staying hydrated. Resting is important as well. You may be tired, so listen to your body and rest.
Write it Out
I'm a huge advocate for journaling. I write pretty much everyday. Writing about how you feel is a great way to process what you're going through and what you're feeling. Writing out your feelings has been proven to speed up recovery times when you're down or sad. Find a place where you won't be disturbed and take 10 or 15 minutes to write out your thoughts and feelings of the day. Try to do this as often as you feel the need.
The Possibility of PTSD, Depression and Anxiety
Some women may experience feelings and thoughts that make it hard to function in society. Feelings of depression, anxiety, irritability, and guilt can become a reality. Also, intrusive thoughts, flash backs and panic attacks can be signs of PTSD. This is the time to reach out for professional help.
Miscarriage is never easy but there are ways to cope. Every woman's journey will be different. It's important to grieve and allow yourself time to work through the process. Follow up with your provider and allow your family to be there for you. Have any of you readers been through a loss like this? Please share your comments or thoughts.
Until Next Time........sending you peace, love and light!
Tiffany Underwood
Certified Birth and Postpartum Doula
Certified Childbirth Educator
#miscarriage #stillbirth #pregnancy #pregnancyloss #infantloss #grief #anxiety #ptsd #depression #mourning #spontaneousabortion
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